There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
