Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
