One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
