I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
