I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
