I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
