Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
