y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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