everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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