I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
