i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
