The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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