She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
