before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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