i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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