Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sober January is a disaster.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
