I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just found a bag of teeth...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
