some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I looked at my own cervix.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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