She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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