I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
