JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
