I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
did i just pee glitter
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
