Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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