There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
