i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You are a genius and a whore.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
