I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
