in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
