I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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