Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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