i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
