Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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