so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
