I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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