nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
