The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
