I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
