i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
