He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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