I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
