3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
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Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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