I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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