Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
