I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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