I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
