i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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