I wish I could punch you in the face.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
