Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
