I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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