My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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