Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
