Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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