Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
