I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
