I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
from now on my penis is your penis
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She's the barista slut.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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