Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
