He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
