If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
