i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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