Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think my moral compass just broke
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