The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
