I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
